post-mortem

I’m not yet done with my long case exam (that’s on Thursday) but I already feel like doing a performance review.

I’ve had such a tumultuous week. I had been in a state of panic the week leading to my written exam on Wednesday, just scrambling to cram as much knowledge as possible to my alcohol-damaged brain. I don’t know what possessed me on Tuesday night but I tried to estimate just how well I needed to do for this paper to get my H1 (distinction) average – and it seemed pretty much impossible. I felt so lost. My whole raison d’être for this semester was to improve on my average, to get an internship in the big three metro hospitals, so I can give myself the best start possible. I really thought I could do it, and I didn’t do the proper calculations until Tuesday. But then I thought, hey, who knows, maybe I can make it after all.

Then came Wednesday – THE paper. 40% weightage. I felt so overwhelmed throughout the three hours. It’s a bloody marathon and after hour one I just lost steam. Give me more time and I could’ve reasoned properly at least ten questions and arrive at the correct answer. Of course, it didn’t help that I couldn’t sleep till 3am the night before. First word out of my mouth when it ended: “I’m just gonna go home and cry now.” Questions came up in later discussions with friends, and I got most of them wrong. I was so frustrated. I couldn’t bring myself to prep for Friday’s oral exam.

Thursday – On hindsight, maybe I was being overly dramatic on Wednesday. You know, me being my own harshest critic and all. I couldn’t have gone that badly, but I didn’t do fantastic either, and that’s why I was so angry at myself: I felt gypped that I had worked so hard over the last six months, killing off my social life (and everything else) in the process, and yet I still couldn’t improve on my performance. I was resigned to the fact that I’ll never be as smart and passionate about Medicine as the Dean’s Listers that I was trying to beat. And then I reached my zen. I was über-calm, very uncharacteristic on the night before an exam…

…but I think it helped my performance on Friday. The exam was rotating stations of ten minutes with each patient, and I had to take a history (or do an examination) and answer some questions. I walked in, confident that I knew what I needed to know, and that was enough. I beat myself up for the things I didn’t say in the first five minutes after the exam, but after that I was fine, I knew I didn’t screw up. Everyone is bound to miss out on things in that artificial, pressurised exam scenario. Did I just lower my standards? Or was I being more realistic? I’m a happier person for it, so does the answer really matter?

Over many beers later, my mates and I began to lament about why we put ourselves in this situation, in medical school. Many of us had been stellar in high school, but finding that you’re mediocre in a sea of smart people is a tough pill to swallow. It doesn’t help that our Type-A personalities (that brought us here in the first place) refuses to acknowledge that. We all end up overstressed, it’s no wonder the suicide rate is so high in our profession.

I probably won’t beat some people in the game of marks and grades. I really thought I could (was I delusional? I really thought I was that smart) and I kicked myself for not realising this earlier. I could’ve had a more enjoyable semester, without sacrificing my other activities so much. But maybe I needed to go through all this to learn my lesson. I need to play a different game to get ahead, and it’s nice to know I’ve been doing that all along: with my research papers, my conferences, my exchange semesters, and of course, generally being sycophantic around senior registrars and consultants. I will have to work that much harder because I don’t have the entire arsenal, but the fire of possibility keeps me going, the possibility that one day I can reach the top. As long as I can find smarter ways of getting ahead every day, I reckon I will be fine.

the savages

While exams render me temporarily unable to craft intelligent posts (I know what you're gonna say - which intelligent posts? Bitch.), I thought I'd share more images for the time being. Here's my favourite movie poster from 2007. Excellent movie, too - definitely within my top 5 of the year. Heck, let's do a list:

Top 5 movies of 2007:
1. No Country for Old Men
2. Lars and the Real Girl
3. The Diving Bell and the Butterfly
4. Atonement
5. The Savages

yes, i'm geeky

I found this laugh-out-loud funny.

places to go #1

Fucking, Austria

blonde and blue-eyed

So I took the afternoon off today to submit my study permit application in Kew. Despite my obsessive over-preparation of the documents, I actually forgot to bring enough money for the application fee. I ended up making a 20-minute trek to and from Kew Junction to find an ATM. The rest was relatively painless, now I just have to wait for them to issue the permit.

I set up a profile on Qcruiser.com a couple of days back, but it hasn't been very helpful in yielding Norwegian contacts so far. Everyone seems so old anyway - there are hardly any twenty-somethings on the site (in contrast to the usual Aussie sites). Eye candy is also sorely lacking. The only response so far was from a 35-year-old leather daddy from Berlin who's into "submissive, shaved boys" (his words not mine). I politely declined.

I was disheartened, but as it turns out, it doesn't take much to restore my faith in Norwegians: thanks to 19-year-old track-and-field athlete Håkon Kvæken. Let's hope I meet more of those in Oslo come August!



Random trivia: my birthday is the same day as Norwegian Crown Princess Mette-Marit. I thought that was rather amusing.

of windmills, tulips and clogs

Fantastic news: I'm going to the Netherlands! My abstract's been chosen for an oral presentation at a conference in September. I'm terrified to death at the prospect of giving a talk to experts in the field, but very excited about the trip: think of all the pot brownies I could eat and the sex clubs I could go to! (Kidding.)

choose life?

I've clearly lost what it means to be a living, breathing human being.

I came to this realisation tonight, on my study break night, while surfing the net and reading random blogs. My life has ceased to be interesting, in stark contrast to some of these bloggers who live such fascinating lives. This used to be my life one year ago, what happened? I've spent the last two months worrying about this stupid exam, isolating myself in an attempt to stay focused, but what have I got to show for it?

I should be out there, living life, experiencing life, and enjoying life for all it has to offer. I should be out there trying new things and meeting new people, instead of repeatedly poring over the same books over and over again, in an attempt to commit things to memory. I'm losing what should be the best years of my life, to overeducating myself on things that I won't recall in five years' time. All for what, a foot in the door of a brilliant career? A hundred years ago, we wouldn't have been so caught up in these tests and exams, such man-made institutions, such artificial constructs.

I used to be the one who says, "you only live once, so you should try everything once." That version of me never searched for the meaning of life, for he already knew: that life is meant to be lived, not wasted. I've clearly lost sight of that person, and I need to bring him back.

freakout #183

I think these 15-minute freakouts are getting more and more commonplace as I get closer to my exams. I'd overthink the things that went wrong today, then tell myself "I can't do this", and have a minor breakdown. [/dramatic] Blame the perfectionist in me, but I feel the need to know the answer to every question, to be most polished in every presentation. Who wants to settle for mediocrity?

I just wish sometimes my knowledge flows more naturally, as if it's second nature. I wish I can rationally reason my way out of questions, instead of just standing there, mouth gaping, and pissing my pants. I hate futilely trying to recall facts I read just the week before, from hundreds and hundreds of lists of causes, risk factors, differentials, precipitants, symptoms, signs, investigations, treatments, complications, ... and failing miserably. It's all about knowing your stuff, or at least faking it, and I'm no good at either.

As much as I hate that perfectionist in me that always makes me feel inadequate about myself, I do know it's also the driving force that pushes me to be a better doctor.

Can't live with it, can't live without it.

did we really need more sex and the city?

(spoiler warning for Sex and the City: The Movie)

I remember reading this ad for Sex and the City: The Movie that included a 4-star review saying "A great night out with friends!". I didn't think it was much of a recommendation, since it said nothing about the actual quality of the plot, characterisation or even production values, but after seeing the movie I felt it was dead-on.

It was a feel-good movie, but for all that's happened, everyone seemed to be back where they were at the beginning of the movie. Carrie broke up with Big, AGAIN, only to get back together with him in the end, AGAIN. I wouldn't have minded so much if it hadn't been done before, and had the conflict been more substantial. Losing focus in all the wedding planning was such a cliché, and Big's reaction felt so artificial, just to create a manufactured conflict to drive the paper-thin plot along. (It did, however, give SJP her most powerful scene, when she was pouring out all her anger on the street towards Big.) And what does that say about women when they go back for more, even after all that? I thought S&TC was meant to celebrate strong women.

The plot I liked most was then Miranda's. Nixon has always been able to carry the emotional weight of all her scenes, and she didn't disappoint. While her story was as trite as Carrie's, and she did go back to where she was before, at least Miranda had learned a little more about Steve and their relationship. Nixon brings out the best in SJP in their scenes together (especially during New Year's and Valentine's).

Poor Kristin Davis got shafted again, as usual. I know she is the lowest billed of the four, but so what? She ended up being comic relief most of the time, and her perfect life was too boring. Best scene: Charlotte telling Carrie while shopping that she fears something bad will happen to the baby, since no one's life is perfect. Well, no one's but yours, Charlotte.

As for Samantha - isn't it disappointing that she didn't stay with Smith? While it's true to her character, I wish she got her man too. I mean, she didn't even end up with Dante (at least not that we've seen). No wonder Cattrall resisted being part of the movie for so long, she wasn't gonna get any!

In the end, was the movie really necessary? The series provided such a good ending, and while this one wasn't too bad, it didn't really move the story anywhere.

Sidenote: Jennifer Hudson wasn't too bad. She picked a good-sized role for her follow-up, and it looks like those acting lessons are paying off. And what's with Candice Bergen getting big billing for 2 minutes of screentime? That was puzzling.

27 dresses, 1 good thing

So I decided to take a break from studying tonight and watch a movie (I seem to be doing that a lot lately). I finally settled on 27 Dresses. Despite the insipid characterisation and formulaic plot, I did find myself enjoying Katherine Heigl's performance, which surprised me since I never thought of her as much of an actress. (I didn't enjoy Knocked Up, I dislike her silly character on Grey's Anatomy and I never got into Roswell.) She has an undeniable charm that radiates through her cliché of a character, Jane, and manages to throw herself fully into the role without overplaying it. Despite being a walking stereotype, Jane was easy to empathise with: surely everyone has played second fiddle to someone else at some point in their life. I'm not going to bother picking on the bad things about the movie (i.e. everything else), but it was a pleasant enough distraction to make me not regret wasting 2 hours I could've used studying... I hope.

One more thing - Heigl's character Jane said something that I thought was so true, early in the movie: (paraphrased) "Some things in life are not easy, but cynicism always is." It's too easy for me to fall into the trap of cynicism, and in my pessimistic mood I tend to limit myself, both in what I can do and what I think I deserve. Optimism is hard work, and I really admire those friends of mine with eternally sunny dispositions. With me, I'm always far too sedate to brighten any room (unless I've been drinking, that is).

about the blog

Well I started this because I need a way to stay in touch with people in Melbourne, and a place to post pictures while I'm away in Oslo. Facebook, you say? I know, but now and then I feel like inane chatter directed against no one in particular, and a blog is perfect for that. Besides, I don't want to discriminate against friends who refuse to get Facebook accounts...

I tried to be creative with the web address without being too obvious. Rejected entries include:
- key concepts (yawn)
- key points (double yawn)
- master key (very wanky)
- low key, off key (not the right idea)
- ... and so on.

I decided on "keyed up" because it's pretty much how I feel about the trip - excited with just the slight apprehension. Time will tell if it's a stupid decision or not.

As for "hedgehog's dilemma" - The explanation is on the sidebar. It's a psych concept, which I think reflects very aptly my personality and my issues with intimacy.